Let's say everything

In fact, there are some things that I should say. I'm in crisis and I don't know how much time it will take. I think I'm much more aware about myself that I've ever been before. Maybe I can't blame myself 'cause I'm an almost-28-years-old-woman that is still single and has a job that she has no passion for. Perhaps I'm innocent? I don't know. I'm just tired, you know?

Last Sunday a woman asked how old am I. Maybe you can't believe me, but I wasn't able to answer in 0.000005 second, as everybody does, because I had to stop and think to remember my age before answering! It's craziness. I had to remember that I'm 27! Why? Because if I hadn't stopped to remember, I could have said: "23." Or "24". But something inside myself made me stop, and think, and remember my real age. The woman obviously don't know the reason why I had to use more 0.000006 second to answer her question. But it scared me.

Reading "High Fidelity" made me think if I'm not a kind of Rob Fleming - without the British accent and hatred to Phil Collins, of course. I mean...I'm not the kind of woman that I'd like to be when I was 16. Actually if, at that time, somebody had told me that, 10 years later, I would be a civil servant (and a single woman), I'd rather have killed myself. What happened? Where did I bury my life? What did I make wrong? There are lots of questions that I can't answer. And...oh okay, again and again, it scaries me.

You have to agree that this is not the kind of feeling that you can just hid under your bed. Or the kind of feeling that you can pretend to forget. I don't want to forget. I want to think about it, and solve it.