Gosh

Sometimes we have to face strange situations. That's how I'm feeling right now. We never know the moment when a storm will arise inside ourselves. But it often arise when we aren't waiting for it. I have a storm inside myself and I really don't know what to do. The questions that I face now are bigger than I can deal with. And the answers that I need to find must be hidden in some far place. I'd like to be far from here, far from me.

I'm trying to fill my time with a lot of things. I read articles about International Relations, I have ballroom dance classes, I study German, I want to study French. What do I want? What am I looking for? It's not just about filling my time, it's not just about gathering knowledge. It's more. And this more is something that I want, and I don't have. Maybe it's what I'm looking for for all my life. Maybe it's just curiosity. Maybe I'm just a coward girl that can't confess that is longing for having her own family. And why can't she confess? Because she feels unable to get it! I feel unable to get it. I'm weak, pampered, stupid...no, I'm a loser! She can't confess that is longing for having her own family because if she'll confess...she'll feel as a loser. I'm a loser. I think I'm unable to...oh Gosh. I know I'm attractive, smart, witty...so what's the problem, girl? I don't know. I'm getting crazy.

Forgive me.