About being sure

I always thought that someday I’d be sure about everything. I always thought that someday I’d have all the answers and no doubt. I always thought….but I was wrong. We’ll never be sure about any thing in this life. We’ll never have all the answers and no doubt. There’ll always be doubts, and sometimes they are important doubts that will never disappear.

One of mistakes that people often make is about being sure that they are loved. People want to be sure that his/her lover love them from the bottom of the heart. And if – after some time of closeness, they suppose that aren’t loved any more, they think it’s time to end the relationship because there are…doubts. But the point is…who can sure about being loved?

People are different, think in different ways, have different cultures, values, ideals, points of view. And they express their feelings and their love in different ways too. And they feel they are loved in different ways too. How can I be sure I’m loved if the other express his feelings in a different way I’m expecting? Maybe, for a girl, being sure about being loved is having a guy that says “I love you” everyday. But maybe he’s not the kind of person that express his feelings this way, by words. Maybe, for him, love is expressed when he cooks the dinner just because he knows she’s too tired to make it. So…she keeps having doubts about being loved cause he never says he loves her – even if he loves her from the bottom of the heart.

Maybe the answer is finding out the way the other express her/his feelings, accept this way, understand it and don’t demand that the feeling be expressed the way we want to. But maybe…maybe even if we find out the way the other express her/his feelings, we keep having doubts. I mean…maybe we’ll never be sure about this, or about how much we are loved. And…would this be a reason to say “oh, okay, I’m not sure, so I’m leaving”, if the relantionship’s going as smoothly as it should be? Can you see? Maybe you’ll never know. Maybe you’ll never be sure if you’re really loved. Maybe you’ll live forever thus. And…maybe…this is the way you must live – carrying the doubts, loving the other even if there are doubts, beyond the doubts. ‘Cause the meaning of love isn’t loving just because you’re loved. The meaning of love is loving above all the things, in all the circumstances – loving even if there are doubts about the existence of love itself.

The worst part is...

The worst part of living alone isn't having no man to open cans and say you're awfully beautiful even you think you gained some weight. The worst part of living alone is having no man to kill...bugs! I hate, hate, hate bugs, I loathe, loathe, loathe bugs. I even have a theory: the bugs weren't created by God. It was the devil. This is the only one suitable explanation. Why would He create bugs? To feed birds. Who needs birds? Go to hell with the birds. Birds feed foxes. Chicken, at least. And who needs foxes? Go to hell with foxes! Foxes feed...oh okay, Priscila, before you destroy the food chain, let's go to the main subject.

Ah, yes. I was talking about...ah, men. The worst part of living alone is having no man to kill bugs. I always have to use that bug poison, and I really don't know how it hasn't poisoned myself yet. Last time I got really glad because I found out an enormous, terrible and scary butterfly. Not those yellow and nice butterflies, it was a night butterfly - awful and ugly. So I had to use the bug poison, and the damned butterfly fell down into the yard sink. Oh, gosh. Now I'll have to take out the corpse from out of the sink...and the other thing I hate most is having to throw away the corpse. Why couldn't it just disappear?

This week I saw enough bugs. A butterly, a little lizard are enough for me. A little lizard? Yeah, a little lizard! But a lizard isn't a bug, is a reptile. It doesn't matter - I hate it too. And I don't live in a forest, for Heaven's sake! But the lizard was there, on the yard, smiling at me and saying: "kiss me, baby". Okay, "poison me, baby" is what I did. But I guess the bloody disgraced thing didn't die, 'cause next day it wasn't there. Oh! Maybe it just disappeared...?

As you can see, having no man to kill bugs is the worst part of living alone indeed. What about saying you're awfully beautiful even if you think you gained some weight? Ah...maybe killing bugs is more needed than compliments - compliments can be fake, you know, but the bugs are real.

PS.: What about you, boys? Are you afraid of bugs? Ian, your answer is not required, 'cause I know how much you "love" bugs! ;P

PS2.: Ian, thank you for the corrections...you're a gentleman indeed :)

How much are you worth?

My 20-years-colleague is crazy for me. I mean...he's crazy to flirt with me. He's really a nice boy and I don't know how to say I'm not this kind of girl. Why should I accept his request and give him some kisses for nothing? I mean....how much am I worth? I know people do it easily ( and not just about kissing, but something else) but...why? And what for? Surely it's delicious to know that a guy is mad for you, that he's attracted to you, and he's so cute that I could just give away without thinking about nothing. If I didn't ponder, and closed my eyes and my mind to my values and ideals, I could flirt with him. But why?

I'm sure I'm worth much more than some kisses. I'm sure I'm much more than just attractive, or witty or God-knows-what. So why should I give just one part of me to somebody that is not interested in everything? He doesn't want to be my boyfriend, he just wants some...kisses. I'm not just mouth or body. I'm a unique person and...this is what people can't understand (or don't want to understand): when they flirt, they accept to be used like and object - an object that you can throw away after using it.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, maybe I'm silly, maybe I'm different from these weird people, but I'm this way, and I won't change myself at all. And I won't change myself just because I know how much I'm worth. And this is enough.

PS.: What about you, my dear readers? What do you, boys, think about this?

That licence and other tiny things

Oh Gosh. Why the hell I decided to get a driver licence? I'm really having troubles to control that damned vehicle. I'm good at somethings, but the others...and that silly instrutor is so silly that can't even help me. Mom: "If he was really an intelligent person, he wouldn't be a driver instrutor..." I have to admitt that I agree with her. He is not able to explain ANYTHING, and if I want to know something, I have to ask EVERYTHING. So...I asked to have another guy as my instrutor. But, to be sincere, I'm not sure if I'll able to control a car one day...

Okay, leave it. Let's to think about my 10 days off. Oh heavens, I love being a civil servant. I'll have 10 days off this end of year. Isn't really wonderful? In fact, it will be just four, but if I count Saturdays and Sundays, I'll have 10 days. And...as I'm going to work 7 days during the season where the CourtHouse is in...well...I don't know the word...I'll have 7 days off next year, and I'll chose when I'll take them! Isn't really great? I love it.

In fact, I'm getting really tired. I work in the Criminal and Infancy Notary Office - it's a unique Office, but there are two rooms: one room to Criminal lawsuits, and other to Infancy lawsuits. And I'm working at Infancy. And I have to do almost everything there. Mary uses to put documents into the lawsuits (and it's a boring thing to do) and opens new lawsuits.The trainee girl does lots of things, but she's going to leave us next week. And I do the rest. I have to handle with the lawsuits, and type lots of documents, and check what I have to do to fulfill properly the judge texts, and organize the data files in computer and be aware about everything...I'm really tired. I mean...I'm doing things that my boss should do, but he can't because he also has LOADS of lawsuits to handle with. He'd crazy if he had to take after the Infancy things. And I'm exhausted. Mom says that I shouldn't be so worried, but when I look at those lots of things to do...I'm not lazy at all, and I'd like to be three persons to be sure I'd do all the work. Today I was alone with the trainee girl (a good Christian girl, by the way) and prayed aloud: "Oh Jesus, send me an angel that knows about lawsuits to help me..." It was a joke, but I think I was serious, too. And I don't know what I'm going to do after she leave us. I'll need some supernatural help indeed.

Okay, babies. I miss you all. Jay, it's good to know you're back to India, and, Marcin, I know I have to reply your mail ;)

Take care, my dear friends.

The day after

When I woke up this mornig, my eyes was paining, my body was complaining, I feel like I'm shivering inside, I think my bloody pressure is higher, I wonder if some day I'll be recovered and I think I'll have to sleep during the rest of my life to feel good again or... have to go to bed at 7 p.m. tonight. But it really doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. I'm so happy, I'm really so happy that it really doesn't matter. I just don't know who is crazier: me or him. Talking during 7 hours was a new - and happy - record.

I'm just worried about one only thing: Neil, I really do hope you're feeling much better than me! ;)

Take care, little kittens. Oh no, I can't say the word "kittens" because it makes me remind those evil creatures...;D

I'm slightly sleepy, so...

Hi babies. Tomorrow is the "Day of Justice". Tomorrow I'm not going to work. Tomorrow is day of...shopping! Me and mom. Walking all the day. Mom forgot I'd be here at my parents house tonight and got awfully happy when she realised we could go to shopping together tomorrow. Parents are funny, aren't they?

And I asked mom to help me decorate my house in February. Why February? My vacation! I'll have lots of free days to do it, and I'm longing for this season. In fact, I want to do lots of things on my vacation...

And...did you know that, here in Brazil, all workers get a 13º salary in December? It's a constitutional right. So...in December I'll get 2x my salary. Hurrah! And...apart from this, a bonus. Great, eh? I'm slightly glad.

Oh please stop talking about money, Priscila. Oh, okay. Now I'm feeling like Donkey, that Shrek friend. Sometimes he says "Oh okay", when Shrek is explaining something. Gosh, it seems I'm drunk. And I'm just sleepy. Go to bed, Priscila. Oh okay. I'm going to bed before starting to say more rubbish...

Take care, little kittens.

Course, party, strass earrings

Hallo, kids! How are you all?? I'm a bit tired. I had classes today, all the day...argh. Tiring. But I liked it. I had Administrative and Constitutional Law classes. The Adm. teacher speaks very fast and we can't note down everything. And she's from the Northeast of Brazil, so she have a strong accent, u-hu. Stressful. But the Constitutional teacher is really great. I'm thinking of buying his book through the internet...

Regina, a friend from the CourtHouse, invited me to go to her 17-years-old daughter birthday party on Sunday. I saw the girl just once, but I could realise her "style", so I bought strass earrings, and I think she'll like it. I'll just go to the party because I really like Regina, who is very caring and treat me so well...'cause I'm sure there won't be any person that I know in this party...well, but I can't say no to Regina, then..I won't be worry. Just relax, Priscila. Just relax.

And now...the "best" part of everything: I'm going to have classes tomorrow! But tomorrow is Sunday! Exactly. I'll have classes from 08 am to 01 pm. Wonderful. So I'll go to home at 4 pm, I'll arrive there at 06 pm and at 08 pm I'll go to the party. An exciting Sunday, eh?

Kiss you, babies. Take care.